Saturday, March 14, 2009

Lifting the Manhole Cover

Every Friday I acquire a copy of The Open Line.

Every Friday I fish The Open Line out of my departmental mailbox and exclaim, "The Open Manhole!" before I recycle The Open Line largely unread.

Every Friday at most I read "Noteworthy," a chronicle of recent accomplishments of staff and faculty or "Look who's talking!" a collection of snippets in which the University of Puget Sound made the news.

The latter regales readers with the names of colleagues who may have insinuated UPS into local media: "William Haltom was quoted in the News Tribune to the effect that the current economy is suboptimal."

The former lists alleged and allegedly professional activities: "William Haltom was wrestled out of a bar and onto the dais of a panel at the Western Political Science Association, where he spoke about strategies for padding expense accounts."

Items in each can be iffy: "William Haltom wrestled a bear under a table at Western State Hospital then slept in a padded cell," but presumably boost morale.

Nonetheless, many accomplishments go unremarked. I hope to redress this shortcoming from time to time here in "Rump Parliament."


Notworthy [sic]


Professor Mateman Gangrene successfully glued shut the door of his colleague in a dispute over who was the most immature member of the UPS faculty.

Recent retiree I. Tom Leghorn, formerly Sponge Bob Squarepants Professor of Innerdisciplinary Studies, was named "Bagger of the Month" at Metropolitan Mart.

Dr. Opal Blue read "Are Tautologies Always True?" before an assembly of tin-foil hats as a prelude to speaking to persons wearing the hats.

The Comical of Higher Education will publish Dr. Hans Holder's reminiscences in "Never Quite Publishing but Not Perishing: How I Faked My Way to a Career" as a cautionary tale.

Professor Rapunzel Rapunzel has a forthcoming paper, "Do Blondes Have More Fun? Letting Down Your Hair as Research Design" that will be published when her mother finds room in her journalblog.

Dr. Xavier Titian Loop has republished his study of pet haiku for the 43rd time, breaking the previous UPS record. Dr. Loop thanked his undergraduates for carrying on his research tradition.

Loose Lips Talking

An editorial endorsing motherhood but decrying premarital sex appeared at the website of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer over the byline of John E. B. Good, School of Music.

A writer for the Cleveland Plain-Dealer recently asked where the University of Puget Sound was.

Dr. Dakota Rivents was interviewed by The Trail regarding ways to use bullets rather than ballots to run societies.

Smoot Hawley told Seattle radio station KPTK that the Washington State Lottery qualified him to handicap potential nominees for the Supreme Court.

FOX telecaster Bill O'Reilly called Bill Haltom a pinhead.

Next -- What are the boys afraid of? The rage of a privileged class imbues a faculty meeting.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Live Blogging the Senate

The Faculty Senate met 9 March 2009 at 4:00 p.m. 4:10 p.m. A gentle, genial conversation on a confidential matter wafted through the Faculty Senate today. What a welcome change from whiners asking the Faculty Senate to solve individual problems via institutional changes! And to discuss a matter confidentially when the confidentiality is not a con job -- what a thing to believe! 4:17 p.m. A senator mispronounced a fellow senator's first name for the 20th time this year. But we at the University of Puget Sound make up a "community of lifelong learners." Slow learners, we make up a great many things. 4:20 p.m. The Senate then took up approval of minutes and managed same in only four minutes. Roger Bannister ran a mile faster, but he had no Ph.D. 4:25 p.m. Outgoing ASUPS President Word was deservedly applauded and lauded; incoming ASUPS President Luu was introduced. 4:26 p.m. A senator once again began a "Special Orders" period by announcing that what she had to say was not truly a "Special Order," a habit that she has maintained in different forms and forums for years. Everyone enjoyed a nostalgic moment as we indulged our colleague's solipsism. She once responded to the president's call for announcements at a faculty meeting by saying, "This is not an announcement, but does anyone else have trouble parking these days?" I hope she will diversify her hijinks. Maybe during approval of minutes she could begin to rebut the Surgeon General's report on tobacco in 1964. When the senate gets to "Old Business," why not start things off with "Rectal itch can be annoying?" Order is often over-valued relative to self-indulgence. Immediate gratification is nice but erratic gratification entertains more and better. 4:31 p.m. A replacement senator, Dr. Wayne Rickoll, was appointed. Wayne is honest and straightforward, so I anticipate he'll get nothing but woe from his appointment. 4:34 p.m. Procedures for conducting faculty elections are being bandaid [sic] about. A patch was effected. Paper ballots versus electronic voting excited little interest, I believe -- dozed off. An elections officer was named after gratuitous dislocations. A staff member and a student outraced the faculty. Our staff and students have found us out! 4:52 p.m. Item VIII: The Professional Standards Committee [PSC] asked whether the Faculty Senate would mind it much if PSC posted on the campus web [inside the firewall] the guidelines for promotion, tenure, and evaluations for each department, school, or program. It sounds as if the Faculty Code assigns approval of departmental guidelines to the PSC. Could the PSC make substantive judgments about departments beyond whether they contradict the code? 5:00 p.m. Motion to appoint an ad hoc committee to study the internship program lay about. A discouraging word was heard: Rigor! Rigor began to overtake me owing to my missing an afternoon nap. Deep and restful sleep. He said, "Rigor" again. I found myself growing sleepier. Need strong drink. Must drink! 5:13 p.m. Senate Chair Kreskin forecast future Faculty Senate agendas. Need strong drink. Faculty Senate meetings should be accessible. Perhaps Knapp's? Harbor Lights? Tacoma Dome? 5:20 p.m. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Next -- Lifting the Manhole Cover